Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
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ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*