I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
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[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
May have had one breakfast too many
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.