DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
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me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
brian had himself a morning…
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
From Facebook just now…
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.