amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
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So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
You鈥檒l never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
馃幎 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schr枚edi
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
i wish i could marry a nap
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.