The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
You Might Also Like
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?