Matt Goss
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PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
*exercises sarcastically*
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.