Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
You Might Also Like
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.