“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
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Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.