Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
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Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
New tinder profile pic
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.