There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
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[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
This could be us, but you weedin’.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
car not found
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side