my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
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You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good