As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
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Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
i would wish you the best but i am the best
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows