Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
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Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Girl, same.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other