[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
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I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
doing your own taxes
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
doing some research
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
wut hotdog?
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]