Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
You Might Also Like
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
How animals would run if they were human
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.