I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
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Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Whoa… oh I see lol