To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
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If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
#catsoftwitter
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle