Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
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Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys