7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
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Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.