I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
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WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.