Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
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Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Dolls on drugs
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.