I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
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Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything