I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
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CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
the saddest jazz hands ever
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.