7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
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Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.