How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
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It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen