When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
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You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
How does one answer this?
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
a fate I wish upon no one
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.