her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
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I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
secret recipe
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..