The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
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Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
seems fine
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I’ve had worse
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.