Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
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My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him