“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
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No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.