grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
You Might Also Like
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I put the mess in domestic.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.