The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
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One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?