Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
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me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.