Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
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Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.