[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
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Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.