Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
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Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.