Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
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Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
There are no pants in heaven.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Awwwww shit.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol