I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
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He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.