WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
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I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.