Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
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Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Oh my God.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.