Me :
All Day At Night
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Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I love wikipedia
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?