Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
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Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Only short people can save us
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
This will never not be funny to me.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed