[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
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[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
*lint rolls you awake*
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations