canadian assassins are called killergrams
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If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
also my go-to takeaway order
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
When someone says you are so lazy
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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