Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
You Might Also Like
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
My Plans 2020
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.