Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
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Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.