Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
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My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Support your local cemetery
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.