I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
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Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Growing up was a huge mistake
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?