*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
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I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.