me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
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I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
me and who
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Challenge accepted.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.